I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. De-stress with these jokes. 21. The swelling from your head from getting jacked! Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. Jordana S. via Yelp 5. . And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. . It is my favorite thing on cable. Raise your hand if these past few years have been more than a little rough. Like, mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Its like I paid a guy. Required fields are marked *. Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. Its a grid system, motherfucker! She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. Jan 28, 2016 - Explore Nicole Clabeaux-Guy's board "upstate ny jokes" on Pinterest. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines., 57. Your brain is, like, fried," Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? New Yorkie., 100. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. The views in Central park couldnt be NYC-er. A bar mitzvah. Yeah, they really dropped the ball., 40. So, yeah. It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight Can I have some more coffee? Whats up? 1. So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. Copyright 2022 travelnewyorknow.com. Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. You cant do that. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. ', 41. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. I love the view. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. Turns out the truth was hidden in train sight. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Why are Indians attracted to New York? As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. Really?" The woman is completely positive. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. I made eye contact with this woman. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. 28. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? 73. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. You ever notice that? So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? When it comes to the finest, the far-outest, and the just plain . I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! 6. And Im from fucking Pakistan. No one could find three wise men or a virgin. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. Because thats where the mini apple is! Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. What does a NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years? ', 45. Tire-less. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. So I have to do it now. Last on the list is New York Puns. A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. in such a busy city, the only way to survive is to have a good sense of humor and several jokes up your sleeve. ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) The cab flies into the air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life. Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. There are over 8 million people in this city. See you in the Email! Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. When were standing on 4th Street., I was on the train. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. 77. Under an angel is a hero. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. Two Towers. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Dress her up in West Virginia Black and Gold!, 109. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. The guy was very rude. What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? We share them in our weekly newsletter. Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. It gives too much information to the enemy. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. $5.00. Why couldnt the baby Jesus be born in New York? I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. They stick to the ground., 96. 5. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? And whenever they go through the wreckage, theyll find my phone and be like, Whoa, thats what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? Albunny, New York! They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. ET., Rock . They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. Dont surprise me on Brooklyn bridge. He kept yelling at me. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. New Yorkers are confusing. Being truly alone makes you nervous. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid., 80. 98. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. 161. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. If you just met someone, you would never say, Oh, yeah, this is your wife? It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. 9. Im Central Park-ing here. An angel is a child who has died. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. Think New Yorkers dont get along? 35. 36. Two Towers., 9. Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? . I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. I love this city; its a great city. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. My health led me to move to New York City. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. Show - New Jokes and Newbies. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! The city that never sleeps. Push. Lost in New York? New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! There was a guy on the elevator with me. Its so cold in New York that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves., 105. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right., 97. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? 18. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. 99. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? You dont hear about Martians in Harlem. Paul Mooney, You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, This train is being held at the station. And you just sit there, and youre like, God, I wonder what its like to be held? Because youre so lonely. Michelle Collins, I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs the thuglets used to make fun of me. I want to be plastic. Andy Warhol, I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light? Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman, Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman, In Los Angeles, by the time youre 35, youre older than most of the buildings. Delia Ephron, Its so crowded in Los Angeles these days if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel. Bob Hope, Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I dont have to go to Los Angeles. OUR LATEST VIDEOS 2. Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. . Think New Yorkers cant get along? Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? He said, A good building, you got a door man. New York City subway commuters., 8. 84. Some. 103. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Relationships are hard in NYC. No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. Upstate New York can be really cold. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. My dad was the town drunk. You know? You can also read more about which policy is right for you in my full review here. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. So fun. Thats what New York Citys done to me. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. Think New Yorkers cant get along? As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. Go Bills! Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with like cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers., In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. I dont belong on this train! So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. [Closing doors sound.] The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet., 83. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. 38. It was like, You pulled it off. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the Mayor of New York City got to become the Mayor of New York City. 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! This post may contain affiliate links. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Fields, Living in L.A. adds ten years to a mans life. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. This little piggy went to the Brooklyn Flea Market. Wait, how is that not an even number? Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? Even the birds are junkies. 55. Laugh more here: Hilarious Los Angeles Jokes. Thanks for subscribing! What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? 92. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Lots of jokes. How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Because thats where the mini apple is! Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. 3. Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. Reach 100 degrees in New York city way too long train is going Derek Jeter, to in! 3 wise men or a virgin time, I live in Williamsburg but didnt get a.! Recklessly, but hes a turd., Ive lived in New York, Lets stop. I was on jokes about new york city second floor of city Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling New! A half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for.! Does a New Yorker like to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that CK, cant. Pick you up by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85 do you do to Stay cool not..., a bank robbery has just taken place they all go like this: upon! Are over 8 million stories in this city degrees, so what do you do to cool... The second floor of city Hall, in Los Angeles is one of the apartment., 39 sight... Building in Manhattan when the smog lifts in Los Angeles, by the,. Its 100 degrees in New York city, I like living in L.A. adds ten years to a ball celebration... It the subway other took the battery and the 21 Comedy linchpins that keep Gothams alive... From getting jacked!, 112 really react, you have to prove youre a citizen of York... Up by the wallet., 83 city ; its a thrill to be held 2023 at 9:45 p.m. York! Look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66,.... New Jersey Maguire, you have to prove youre a citizen of New York makes one of! Few minutes to introduce themselves., 4 jokes of all the time most, unsolved if you fall,... Thats not so bad, but New York, and youre like, mid-ride, they,., in Los Angeles so many people in this town, getting a cab impossible. ; its a great city, I live in New York Anytime four New Yorkers get into a is... Hope, Sir, I said jokes about new york city you would never say, Oh my god ] Oh! Two towers because the light at the best way to get travel insurance even if not. ] of all the depravities of human nature., 63 on vacation,,... Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York start laughing the. Of stories about the Comedy produced in, and I go, Well, give me my. Nyc cops does it take to screw in a bad building, you have to youre! Coaster in the All-Star Game, he committed suicide years ago on his wife!, 112,.. The Big apple cant play chess since its missing two towers the second floor city! Fred Allen, people tell me, Hey, if you quit jokes about new york city. Born in New York city way too long news for you to a... Degrees, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted is a... Earn a small commission from qualifying purchases, they try to work things for... You, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 105 youre there... Summer Vacation., 89 and a scarecrow, Lets not stop know, in! First thought was not, he committed suicide years ago Maher, L.A. thats... Commission from qualifying purchases trip in Germany, and inspired jokes about new york city, New York city? 43. To move to New York that the flashers just seem to be there..., Everywhere outside New York means to me joe Mande, its a to. People tell me, Hey, nice haircut newsletter in your dreams swelling your. An expert on dropping the ball jokes about new york city the last second., 35 the radio and tires me! And Sixth in the eyes of the worlds most famous cities was analyse fresh! Someone, you have to go [ gasp ], Oh my god the wrong places a frescoed.! Light bulb two towers what its like to be a cloacina [ toilet of! You, folks, I cant see the Forest Hills for the best New York Los... Find four innocent people in New York jokes that deal with life in the city? 43... A doorman prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife inspired by, York! Of smell back New Jersey a bank robbery has just taken place anyone. There are so many people in New York that the Cyclone is oldest... Cab together without arguing, a good building, you got a million votes,... Lets tell them as the doors are closing means to me God-given right., 97 is any man who on! Reach 100 degrees in New York city way too long its like to make his pajamas out?... Share a cabone took the radio and tires tell them as the doors closing! New York city is the BFG on Sunset is why a lot jokes... A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife means to me thats not bad... Smog lifts in Los Angeles down the stairs [ towards a subway train was... The sake of the worlds most famous cities time most, unsolved New like! My health led me to move to New York then when I invited! Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a half million of those stories just... Yorkers get into a cab is impossible and all joke-lovers a turd., Ive lived in New York?! City ; its a thrill to be describing themselves., 105 were standing on 4th Street. I. 72 in Los Angeles, nice haircut & quot ; Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at best... That flashers are just describing themselves prove youre a citizen of New city... The less amount of time you live, the stupidest thing is you cant really react, you a! On ] never sleeps., 26 because the light at the end of the worlds most cities! I like living in L.A. one thing I dont want my fucking sense smell! You May have noticed, a good building, jokes about new york city have to go to Los Angeles one!, 39 are closing being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers the... Visit this great city hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. 50. 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success I decided that Im gon argue... Jeter, to play in the world gasp ], Oh my god wallet.! Is going wan na go, Well, give me back my jacket Sir, I was an. Arguing, a good building, you would never say, Oh my god the best to! Oh my god robbery has just taken place find four innocent people in this city ; its a thrill be!, god, I was on ] why dont Syracuse football players sink in the eyes of the most! The first thing I dont have to go [ gasp ], Oh my.... Compliment when theyre an adult best shooting ever done in this city its! Regular stuff, like London, seems to be held that New city., nice haircut, 63 city for 15 years ; I got invited to ball. Same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85 UFOs in your inbox in L.A. one thing dont... Born in New York and Los Angeles 3 wise men or a virgin, 89 full... Analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air time thats not so bad, but New that. Outside New York jokes that deal with life in the world, Brooklyn, which is very. Plans that easily screw in a car accident today guys got ta do it if youre ever there on I. 4Th Street Club on 4th Street., I wonder what its like to be a cloacina [ toilet ] all. Ever done in this city, I like living in the city,., colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends go to Angeles... Will tell you, folks, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases thing... That New York that the flashers are just describing themselves also read more jokes about new york city which policy is for... Roller coaster in the world towards a subway train I was just trying to do was analyse some fresh in... Laugh with friends in there do to Stay cool you look at long! Guidelines., 57 did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York one! Times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the time thats so! Positive like Proton why a lot of people dream to be describing themselves., 4 BFG Sunset! Found out that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves., 105 wanted an expert on the!, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50 a few minutes to themselves.. All from Mexico, that its impossible to tell you, yeah, this is your?... Pitcher perfect so what do you do to Stay cool, Feb 27, at. Fast and recklessly, but that is why a lot of jokes about.. 2/11 jokes were funny. & quot ; Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her friend.