' with the response You figured it out!. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. If you're not ready, he needs to chill or go find some other hole to fill. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. Im also sure you have some great things in common and that you have fun together sometimes and that the relationship works some of the time, or you wouldnt have stayed this long. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. Do with that information what you will. When you constantly criticize their eating . Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). I recognize that it can be really frustrating to coexist with someone elses depression, but the thing is, your boyfriend is not obligated to stay if he cant deal with it. Theres a difference. First, lets consider the signs youll notice when your boyfriend stops making an effort. Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. That was published just a few weeks after I dumped my ex for basically being both of those LWs SOs. it doesnt extend to someone elses body/diet/etc, and EVEN IF YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT or had asked his advice (and you do not ever have to), you still get 50% weight, which is the ability to say Thats nice that you think that, but Ive decided nope. Many sympathies. Yo! He seems to be sorry for everything these days. Another vote that you are not strange! So if your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, (you know the signs) that would be a reasonable reaction. Has the boyfriend pulled out stories of other people who have similar problems and yet manage to be super-awesome-amazing-overachievers? Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. The Captain makes some good points about transitioning from one kind of relationship to another, but there are some really worrying bits, here. He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. Not because Ive been on the receiving endactually quite the opposite, as I was in a relationship with someone who was constantly miserable and did absolutely nothing to try and rectify it. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. Neither one is going to work. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. Heh). I used to joke about a self-help book called Im OK, Youll Be Okay When I Get Done With You: Ive never seen a copy, but clearly it exists and lots of people have read it. And he could never admit that it was all about him. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. But for LW, I think that goes back to another commenters suggested script of, How does this [exercise/ food choice/ personal health issue] affect [Boyfriend]? in thatit doesnt affect the boyfriend. but wanted to make sure you knew he wasnt judging/minding/caring about your choice of snack. Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. The hurt and pain are felt by both people involved, but if your ex regrets what happened, they might be looking to get a reaction out of you. 6. He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? Your b/f much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you. Validation. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. Its a hard thing to let go when youre not sure if your loved one will sink or swim, but you have to let go and let them do for themselves, or you just end up smothering them and the relationship. So, his motives dont come *just* from the knowledge that she wants to get better. Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. In hindsight there was nothing he could have done. Unfortunately, who he is now does XYZ, and is unlikely to stop, so theyre both unhappy. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: I keep telling myself that. You are not the only one. (sadly I live in the UK and our sun is not plentiful enough!). I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. He doesnt seem to be enjoying himself around you anymore now. (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. If you like to cook, it might be really awesome if you two discuss the idea of having friends over for dinner a bit more often. Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. ME. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. What then should you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? Id been through worse. ?, I have to step back and tell myself, hes an adult and its his path to choose, the choice I get to make is whether to help him in the way he wants to be helped, or try to control things. Excessively monitoring and correcting a partner (with the silent treatment, no less!) Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. Then he can treat you even worse. Maybe that makes a good benchmark if someones trying to sort out the real from the fake. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. I live on the other side of this equation. And even in that case, I try to find out ahead of time what kind of helping is not so much helping as it is a reason for them to hate me. I have to agree with this. Right now it feels like youre breaking up because youre not good enough for him, but in a very short while, it will become evident that youre breaking up because hes not good enough for you. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when I am doing a really good job in my life and my asshole brains like YEAH well, itll never be good enough, SO! He also sounds like the physical (/verbal) manifestation of Compulsive Skin Picking which is *literally* a process by which I pick myself apart. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. It sounds as though its not simply a case of dump him, because that can be hard, especially when youre trying to sustain a healing process. The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? If Im down in the dumps, a few minutes skipping rope can make me feel better as can a cup of ginger tea instead of reaching for a soda BUT these are temporary fixes and no substitute for dealing with the real issues. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. It sounds like the bf has two other specific things he needs to work on for this to be a healthy relationship: 1. Also *I* will be happy when youre skinny. Which . Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. For example, they might mad that you didnt fold the laundry when you said you would, or frustrated at coming home to find you in bed asleep with your clean, untouched gym clothes on the bed, when you said you were going to work out. Value to him also includes your offering of feminine energy and responsiveness, your surrender to connection moment by moment (which helps deepen your connection and renew his deep attachment to you). I have many fond memories of him. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. Don't jump to any conclusion your mind is playing tricks on you so don't let it. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. Dont bring past grievances into it, either. +1 absolutely, always. Why do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner? I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. He both wanted me to look up to him, admire him, and follow his lead, and for me to be a more confident, assertive person who dressed sexier, partied heartier, and loved to dance. He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. Like theyd be SO PERFECT IF THEY DID A B AND C. Unfortunately, the reality is that they are not there. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. 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