June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. I would plan some things. Does that make sense? Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. Yeah, but every weekend? At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). Just because I didnt want to start over again. I dont think that is healthy. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. or just dinner? As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Some peoples parents are just like that. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl lets_be_honest June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Its a balance. I cant imagine that life! Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. tbrucemom The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Each Different strokes for different folks. Could that be why theyve been there so much? GatorGirl Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. Not youre wrong and you have to change. 1. Or pick berries. Problem LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. If you dont like this? For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. I agree with the expenses. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. Your problem is thinking you can change him. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. In many cultures that is the norm. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. I hate having family stay over at our house. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. The timeline seems off here. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. At best, you will an appendage to his family. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. At best, a season and a half. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. This too. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. And he was a bore. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. i really disliked him. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! ReginaRey If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. GatorGirl I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. artsielady. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Anonymousse No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Those conversations should have happened before. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. hops the bus and goes straight home. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic In my experience, though, it seldom works. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Laura Hope All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. That was what I meant. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. But Ill tell you what. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. No, not necessarily. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. At least, most of the time. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. ReginaRey Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. LW real advice. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. 2. John Rohan If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. right! You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? . The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Agreed. Maybe he is making up time for that. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. A movie? What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. "I GatorGirl But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. What should I do? lets_be_honest , silver_dragon_girl GatorGirl lets_be_honest allathian He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. Oh yeah I forgot about that. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. This is her perception. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Years later, theyve never recovered. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. If not, you need to sort this out. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. lets_be_honest spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. I stand by it. silver_dragon_girl Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. She should say something about it to the BF at least. Dont go this weekend. Will you LWs simply never learn? The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. You do like to see people you love, right? It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. when it comes up we just talk about it. Youve lived together for three weeks. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. I agree with you both. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. GatorGirl I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. I agree. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Well. lets_be_honest We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. And if they live together. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. Is it a deal breaker? Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. 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